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Signs and Wonders

I Love My Cat


I love my cat! She’s small and scrapy (undoubtedly the runt of the litter), has one fang that juts out of her mouth at a fourty-five degree angle, and when I wake up to the sound of her retching up hairballs and Ocean Fish Entre I can almost always be assured that the mess will end up on the kitchen linoleum rather than the bedroom carpet.

Beyond that, we have a lot of things in common. For instance, we both like to know where it’s not okay to go to the bathroom, we love to play “That Mouse is Crazy Dead,” and on Friday nights we’re all about getting super high and laughing our asses off at old episodes of Band of Brothers. Here she is again, watching Easy Company get fiesty behind enemy lines:


Anyone who’s lucky enough to have a pet pal like this will recognize my dilemma: how do you go about expressing your affection and gratitude towards your house-beast without recycling the same old covered-in-bells-tied-to-a-stick-dipped-in-catnip bullshit? Outside of confering with an Oprah-endorsed pet psychic to determine who was cleaning who’s litter box in a past life, where do you find that special something that says, in so many words, ‘meow’?

Fortuitous then that I happened to run across this on a telephone pole the other day.


The perfect gift: a quick and “life-like” tribute, carefully rendered in pencil on paper with or without captions of my choice. It’s like the holy grail of rewards for any deserving animal, and for only $20! My cat going to be stoked. And if the portrait looks half as good as anything on the flyer, I’ve already got the next commission in mind:

Picture a massive centipede grappling to the death with a he-lion whose mane is ablaze with magical flames that engulf, but do not harm either combatant. The centipede’s scaly antennas thread through the lion’s jaws, as if attempting a mortal sting while the iron-spiked tail of the lion lashes towards the armored carapace of its foe. And just for effect, I’m thinking that there should be some really jaggedy mountains in the background with lightning striking their peaks as, somewhere on their slopes, a distant and rage filled dwarf emerges from his alpine lair and raises a two-sided battle axe above his helmeted head in declaration of his crotchety, dwarvish habbit of smoting all kick-ass abominations of nature with a fairy-blessed fighting technique that has laid waste to countless civilizations throughout the dark course of Pre-Time . . .

I’ll let you know how it all turns out.


One comment for “I Love My Cat”

  1. Damn! She’s one fine kitty.

    Posted by Lulu | June 12, 2007, 10:48 am

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