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Pretty Pictures

Honey Tree Evil Eye

I love stories told in brief compelling episodes, each one a new clue to the titillating climax that lies ahead. However, instead of soap operas or the political circus surrounding a presidential candidate’s every misstatement, I favor the narrative of the offbeat, expressed in rants, ramblings and bizarre imagery. The continuing saga of Natalie/Carolina’s Pet Portrait & Dog Walking posters is what “must see Thursdays” was probably like to the masses back in the 1990s, only not quite as safe and filled with non-sequitur tangents, far out propositions, and downright strange renderings of Noah’s prophetic herd.

Anyway, this Sunday, after months of silence I finally got my fix. After catching a fleeting glimpse of a poster taped to the back of a stop sign more than a week ago, this time I mustered up the motivation to hop off the bus along Cortland Ave. to capture one for the archives. Not only did I find a one, I actually discovered two and a quarter previously unseen posters along the sunny, early morning streets of Bernal. While his witty cartoon thought bubbles remain a means for animal-human communication, our artist seems to have abandoned his rough pen sketches in favor of a collage of photo-surrealism. From what I gather the 1980′s advertising campaign of Bud Light must have had a profound impact on Will’s formative years, as he appears to have enlisted the help of the once famed, ever-exuberant party animal Spuds MacKenzie, donning swimming goggles and offering clever one-liners as a spokesman for his master’s artistic services.

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Interestingly, in “True Hollywood Stories” fashion, I discovered that Spuds MacKenzie (real name: Honey Tree Evil Eye) had quite the controversial life, complete with meteoric rise to fame followed by an almost immediate free-fall. After becoming an over-night sensation that began with a 1987 Super Bowl commercial, Spuds received a slew of endorsement deals and his face garnered everything from t-shirts to dolls. However, it was soon let loose that the super-macho, ladies’ man Spuds was actually a female! With the frenzied media controversy that ensued, reportedly Anheuser-Bush execs tried to shield her from cameras to conceal her female parts that might become front-page news when she had to go #1.

Spuds MacKenzie

Like other pop-icons Prince and Dee Snider of Twisted Sister, Spuds was even the target of angry temperance-oriented parent groups, who in 1992 accused her employers of selling the “too-cool-for-monogamy-and-sobriety dog” to America’s children. Even though the FTC ruled in the maligned Bull Terrier’s favor, the ads were dropped and less than a year later Spuds died of Kidney failure at the age of 10.

Anyway, back to Will, who decided the optimal way to advertise his “Adventure Walks” was by showing a little girl being dragged along by an overpowering Alligator. Natalie the dog, with the clear intention of distancing herself from this bizarre spectacle, states she “did not take that picture.” Good to know who’s got your back, eh?

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And then there’s this. If you ever leave town, you may have another option to leaving your beloved canine with family or a professional boarding kennel.

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It’s nice to have something to look forward to (again).

Discussion

One comment for “Honey Tree Evil Eye”

  1. Ahh yes, the spuds 80′s flashback. Oddly, I wonder what that cute blonde is now an older lady with sagging breasts. That’s wrong. Why am I a bit disturbed? Well, sagging breasts are kind of artsy I guess, but imagining them is definitely not. I’m afraid that you’re going to walk out in front of a goddamn trolley out there in Rice a Roni land staring into the fantastic Sidhartha-esque eye opening abyss that is everyday art in unconventional places. Mostly though, I’m just lonesome and like to write you guys on Sunday. I know it’s Saturday, but it feels like Sunday, because I got really drunk yesterday. Drunk enough for the entire weekend, but no, that’s not enough, i’m back at it again with the goddamn Canadian Club and Canada Dry. So, I have to, you know, write on your wall. This is an impulse that I choose not to fight. I like the idea of being they mystery voice scribbling on your digital wall. I am too disturbed that people do not have enough time to walk their own goddamn dogs. That fucking disturbs me more than the fact that Will’s true calling is appartently Dog Walker / Cultish Oddity Snappy One Liner motherfucking Dog artist. I think we can all accept that Will is definitely a cult of personality, a mother fucker of invention, and a true sign from God that we have again returned to a 70′s -esque era. It’s kind of like being in the early 70′s again. A fucked up war going on with no end in sight, it’s summertime, and people just have that smiley face fucking feeling of “smiling on their brother” and all that shit. Rev. Wright is this era’s goddamn Zodiac killer. Let’s recap:

    70′s: Smiley face fucking feeling
    Vietnam
    Zodiac Killer
    A bag of pot

    now: Smiley face fucking feeling
    Iraq
    Rev. Wright
    A bag of pot

    I ask you, am I drawing a fucking parallel here or what? I know, it’s crazy, but through sorting through the art work of Will I have seen the future. Get out your parachute pants and Michael Jackson glove as we are about to repeat the 80′s later… just as we are repeating the 70′s now. I think that makes sense. I hope you are mildly entertained. I live for that you know? I want to mildly entertain a complete fucking stranger… whether its writing clever, crazy, and flat fucking cooky shit on a bathroom wall… than to writing it here….

    either way, again, it is sacred. Like the bathroom wall… i say again… the internet is our public private place.

    p.s. i am truly saddened that people don’t have time to walk their own goddamn dogs. why? because it proves one simple thing… dogs are a possession, not a friend, and soon become nuisances that we don’t have time for… and really, they are 1,000 times more loyal than any of us. That is why Nietzsche kissed that goddamn horse in the mouth. Just so you know.

    P.S.S. I dig your new spam protection thingy. Sadly, it is not stopping me. Try using fractions. As dumb as I am I can still add 10 and 7. With fractions though… i’m sure you can stop me from writing.

    Your digital friend,

    Shit House

    Posted by The Shit House Poet | May 3, 2008, 7:46 pm

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